Congress Seeks to Overturn World Series

ST. LOUIS, MO (AP) – Congress voted 205 – 65 today to confer federal jurisdiction on last year’s World Series. HR-1917 gives the United States District Court of Eastern Missouri de novo review over the Red Sox stunning four game sweep over the St. Louis Cardinals. “C’mon! Some of those strike calls were clearly off the plate! You can’t tell me the umpires weren’t advocating for the Red Sox,” Tom DeLay (R-Tex) told reporters.
DeLay went on to describe an elaborate plot whereby the Red Sox organization, Bud Selig, John Kerry, and, inexplicably, George Steinbrenner, fixed the World Series in order to deprive the far more God-fearing state of Missouri of its runs, hits and errors.
Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum agreed: “We have a situation where if we don’t act immediately, a baseball team from the state of Massachussets will hoist a clearly undeserved pennant on opening day while gay married couples watch from the bleachers, thus ruining the game of baseball.”
Critics of the bill disagreed, citing the Baseball Almanac, where no World Series has ever been overturned. “Baseball has an appeals process that’s worked just fine so far. I’ll say it again: Baseball by Legislature is a slippery slope,” said an exasperated Curt Schilling, who pitches for the Red Sox when not testifying before Congress.
Cardinal fans keeping vigil outside Busch Stadium called Schilling a “murderer” and urged the court to speedily overturn the World Series as soon as possible. “We lost, sure, but we only want what’s fair,” Cardinal fan spokesperson Charles Manson said, declining to clarify his remarks.